How Do We Want to be Remembered?

December 26, 2011 By toughconversations Leave a Comment

Last week my friend Sam and I discussed what we want to bequeath our children when we pass on.

Sam told me his wife has a beautiful antique jewelry collection that she plans to sell instead of leaving it to their children. Why do that, I asked. He replied that his wife doesn’t think their children have any interest in her jewelry. Anticipating that they would either sell the jewelry or give it away, she wants to cash it in and leave their kids the money, which is something she knows they can use.

I suggested she look at the issue differently: Instead of thinking of her jewelry in monetary terms, view it as something by which their children will remember her. Why not let each of them select one or two of her favorite pieces as a remembrance of her? How better to remember a loved one than by possessing something that that individual truly valued?

It boils down to this: how do we want to be remembered? In his book How to Say it to Seniors, author David Solie talks about three kinds of legacy.

The first is the “default legacy.” This occurs when a survivor sorts through a deceased person’s personal effects and finds letters, photographs, diaries, or notes that may reveal secrets that the survivor never knew. Do we really want to be remembered ‘by default’? This process risks leaving an inaccurate portrait of our lives.

A second is the “political legacy,” which Solie describes as doing the right thing, or doing what is expected. Dad leaves his car to his son, and Mom her household effects to her daughter. This can be a mechanical process which doesn’t do justice to the relationships, challenges, and accomplishments of a recently deceased loved one.

Finally, Solie discusses the “organic legacy” – a bequest that “comes from the heart” and may challenge us to undertake an in depth review of our life. It could be an item with significant intrinsic worth or an act of courage, a decision to repair a damaged relationship, or an expression of loyalty and faith. Ultimately, it results in our being remembered for what we value most.

Sig

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Money Talks

October 31, 2011 By toughconversations 4 Comments

TALKING ABOUT MONEY

Money.   We agonize over how to stretch it, invest it, spend it, or give it away.  And the older we get, the more we hate to talk about it.  Especially with our adult kids.

Seniors with little money don’t want to burden their children.  Members of the WWII generation – who value their self-sufficiency and independence – may especially resist these conversations.  In these “traditional” families dad was the breadwinner, and mom raised the children.  Once they were their children’s safety net.  This role reversal hurts.  They may feel ashamed and disappointed to ask for help.

Middle-class elders – good pensions, some investments, and long-term care insurance – may fret about how to bequeath their money.  The questions for them: “What do our kids expect?” and “What’s fair?”  These decisions can be equally tough. 

Take a couple with three adult children: One is a successful engineer happily married to a lawyer with a big firm, two kids, and plenty of money.  Another is a struggling actor.  (The parents are paying his rent while he tries to get the ‘big break.’)  The third is a divorced daughter with two children, a decent job, but living on the edge.  They just paid her car repair bill so she could get to work. 

What’s fair?  Should parents give by need or in equal amounts?  If by need, will the child who receives less feel less loved and valued?  Is a will the place to reward a child who has been especially attentive to an aging parent?  Or to express disapproval of one who made choices the parent didn’t like? 

Wealthy families may have other issues: If they make generous gifts to their university or other charities, will the children be shocked?  Resentful?  Who should be named as Executor?  Or as trustee of a trust?  How strict or lenient should be the provisions of a trust? These questions become more crucial if the children are not friendly to each other.  A will challenge can swallow the assets so fast that there’s nothing left  but a residue of bitterness.

David Solie’s advice (How to Say it to Seniors):  It’s easier to find good answers if we stop thinking of money as a “thing” to be accumulated and divided, and start seeing it as a means to express our values and the meaning of our lives. 

The important thing for parents is to swallow your fear or pride and tell your kids (individually or all together) what you’re thinking.  Answer their questions.  Ask what they think is fair, and seriously consider their answers.  Let them know you love them. 

We welcome your views on this very sensitive topic!

Carolyn

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